i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
