So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
