Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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