Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
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at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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