The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
