Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
