Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Is Oprah even human
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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