Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
