Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
