I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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