I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
