if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Two words: blizzard sex
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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