The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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