Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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