Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
