he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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