My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
