: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Randomize
