Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Found the puke drawer
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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