there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
