you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
