dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
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Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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