I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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