All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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