Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
