You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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