Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
