I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
