Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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