Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
