At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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