I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
