in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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