The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
