At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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