dude i'm inner monologue high
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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