I will die if light touches me.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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