And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
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I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
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I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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