nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
