yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
