I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
