I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
