the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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