I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
