look no pants
I bet he comes in French.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
