I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Randomize
