We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
