Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
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