im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
