Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
