Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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