I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
