Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
